Friday, March 21, 2008


Holy cow. Friday night. Today was my last day at CHT. Last day as a full-time employee anywhere. It hasn't completely sunk in yet, but it's starting. It feels so incredibly good to know that I am going to have time, sweet sweet time to nurture myself, the kids, Phil, my friendships...

I'm going to enter into the first month with ease. No big projects, no big plans. I signed out 6+ books from the library. Every subject from Basquiat, kokology, sibling rivalry and woodblock printing. I plan on sitting by the fire, book in hand, coffee by my side. Add a few naps, trips to the Y, bike rides with Phil when the weather changes. Ahhhhh.

I think I know myself well enough to know that I will have to keep some wheels turning, so I've already arranged some bartering gigs. I'm doing graphic design work in exchange for some goodies---massage and local honey. It's a perfect match.

I think the kids are looking forward to this change. I also think they may not understand or appreciate the meaning of it all. For me it really is a dream come true. A real opportunity to relax for awhile. Paint some pictures. Dig in the dirt. Smile at my children. Love my man.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

snowy wednesday...

Sitting here at my desk, taking a bit of a break, stretching my overstretched back.
It's Wednesday March 12. It's snowing. I have 7 days left here and am comfortably excited about this next step in my life. It's been years and years since I've had the freedom to let my life flow like this. When I was younger and without constraints I had a blind trust that I lived by. People often thought I was flighty or even foolish... to "up and go" from a job or a home and onto the next thing, without (at least it seemed to them) much thought. I had a knowing inside me that everything would be fine. It never occurred to me to think any other way.

Then life went on and somehow that spark got snuffed. Kids, mortgages, the "future", combined with loss and hardship. I went along, still made my changes, but from a different place. I changed situations with the hope that it would make things better, not with a knowing. There was a huge difference between the two, because none of those changes could have made a spit of difference anyway.

The pages turn, the seasons unfold. Here I am again, years later. Still me, still looking for the glorious changes. Now I'm entering back into that fun place of knowing, and I actually remember that feeling that I used to have when I'd take my leaps. That silly little knowing, the excitement about the adventure that comes with taking the step and then watching for the opportunities to come. It's magical and what living is all about --- taking these risks, and trusting that there is unlimited stuff out there. Stuff.... love, abundance, happiness, friends, fun, sunny days, snowy days.

Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how. The moment you know how, you begin to die a little. The artist never entirely knows. We guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark.

Agnes de Mille (1908 - )

Monday, March 10, 2008

7 months later....

And Phil's asleep in the chair, sitting up. Liv and Caleb are out too. It's quiet. I only hear the ticking of the clock and the tapping of the keys.

Ice storms and talk of warmer days to come. Curried lentils. A meowing cat wanting to go outside. Scrabulous with ChaCha. Reserving hotels in California. Unwinding. Unpeeling. Counting the days until my last day at work, getting ready to shake off a few years. Getting ready to play again.

Olivia: practicing hard for her part in the school play. Quiet lately, probably tired. She works hard at whatever she does. Her new hermit crabs are... hermits! They hide deep down in the dirt.

Caleb: growing up, but holding on. Trying hard to let go of old habits, but somewhat pensive about what is next.

me.... sleepy, thirsty. ready for what's next. ready to help caleb grow. ready to help liv revive....